Emotional Alchemy: Transfiguring cPTSD into PTG

March 15, 2024

Edit: March 19, 2024
Edit: April 2, 2024
Edit: April 3, 2024
Edit: April 9, 2024

Warning: if your (c)PTSD is from war, violence etc than please seek other healing techniques as this strategy may put you in harms way

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD)

cPTSD, at its worse, is a living nightmare that a person never wakes up from. At its core, can be simple yet unbelievable betrayal by close people such as family and friends. At its worse, its alone, dark, broke & broken, with no access to memory of what life was like before, a perilous hell akin to Dante’s Inferno.

But, this article isn’t about the agonizing suffering of cPTSD. Instead, it’s about what one can do about it. It’s how to turn things around, to get life back.

I had a rough case of cPTSD. In my moment of most agonizing terror, after falling down further off the pits of hell, I swelled inwardly with desparation and radical rage. I was betrayed and betrayal was ongoing. It hurt massively in my chest, as a physical sense of heartache. But by accepting truth, I became clear enough to make the best possible long term decision. I stopped listening to the noise and began listening exclusively to the subtle whispers of my soul as I begun a path to find what was lost. Learn who was there. It would take years of exploring and listening, before I would begin to recognize what I lost, and eventually realize what I was looking for. The body and mind both have to heal.

My new beginning.

Human beings are highly capable wonderous biomachines. We really are. Sciences do not fully comprehend.

Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG)

PTG is a response that can happen quickly over a short period of time that may result in up to years of mental (personable) growth. It can happen in addition to PTSD. I believe they are connected and that it’s possible to convert parts if not all cPTSD into PTG. It’s not only possible, but natural to convert cPTSD into PTG, as if our programming intends it. I suspect PTG is the more natural reaction to trauma, but as to why the disorder is more common, is perhaps for another day, another article.

Our minds are powerful emotional processors, capable of tremendous probabilistic calculations for pathing the future of our lives. These calculations are signals, feelings, communicated to us consciously for measured yielding. Some of the most powerfully processed thoughts are feelings from deep calculations below.

In the last few months of 2012. I was lost, afraid, losing what little sense of self left. I had been suffering for about 2 years, but things were about to change. My last friend drugged me, threw me under the bus, and all my feelings came unbound. As cliche as this probably sounds, after accepting having lost everyone, without prejudice, I was finally free to clearly see around me. I didn’t hesitate for a moment. I immediately started following a new path, as if gifted some timeless scroll, a red carpet to roll out and guide me through important consequential life decisions. A plan that would take years to complete, but I had nothing to lose and all to gain. I would have to learn to believe in myself again, figure out what I need to live again, learn how to feel again and so much more.

Step 1: New Beginning

Radical removal of everyone in life. It took me a few years, but eventually I cut out everyone, the bad and the good. Move into a new environment with a different culture. A new beginning helps to loosen up the mind to new habits.

That is step one. Cutting out everyone and moving into a new environment for a fresh start. It’s the gift of renewal. Makes it easier to do the next step. To learn it all over and then some, for yourself. To feel everything out and more with minimal adulteration. And I mean every thing. No rock unturned. No pain unfelt. All to confidently stand on two feet in the direction of what wants in life.

Some people dislike change, growth, hardship, etc. The saying, “misery loves company,” is a true one. Don’t let others hold you back in big ways and small. It all adds up.

Step 2: Body

Training. Step two is about learning to control the body, and tap into its energy. cPTSD increases sensitivity dramatically. And as much as sensitivity is conflated as a weakness, and as overwhelming as it can be, it is truly a super power. Sensitivity is a form of emotinal intelligence that comes from the powerful probabilistic processor of our subconscious. Trauma turns the dial way up. And if we’re not ready for it, it can make life indistinguishable but, when paired with enough control and energy, it becomes an epic capacity for deep perception. People become open books.

It is easier and more practical, to learn to control the body before learning to control the mind

In order to harness that power, one must train the body and mind. Strengthen both with poise until sensitivity is one’s ally. Start by learning to control the body through minimizing pleasure. There’s no need to give up everything, and it doesn’t have to be done all at once (that can be dangerous), but what depletes the mind and body, deplete it of its energy. 100%. That energy is yours, claim it.

Sensitivity, inner strength & abundant energy is a powerful combo

Cold showers, exercise (e.g. hiking), eating a balanced diet, meditation, getting adequate sleep, sexual abstinence (which is single-handedly the most energizing habit to have), strengthens the body & boosts energy levels. Explore & spend significant time in nature to reset the Circadian rhythm (the body’s clock) while removing oneself from toxicities.

Dispersion camping in National Parks and BLM is free in the United States

Step 3: Mind

Step 3 is more complicated, and thus more involved. Train on learning to control the mind with all of the body’s energy. Focus it into molding the mind like a sculptor with clay by spending time productively within reason. Read books (e.g. philosophy, fiction, whatever the soul leads to read), write stories, journal, learn new subjects like languages, develop new skills, and learn to say no by enforcing boundaries (first on what you won’t do then on removing self away from those who do). Strengthen the mind with a trustworthy tranquil foundation.

There will be pieces of self, to find along the way, frozen in traumatic time. Show each piece patient love and assurance, without judgment, but with strength, admiration and compassion, within the safety of personal power. This process grows people, little by little, every single day, even on days with setbacks. For me, I go and do fun things I enjoyed as a kid, from the time of the trauma, like watching anime movies in cinema. I show these pieces of self that they are not forgotten, they are not forsaken. Show each piece that it is safe to be them, to come home, to assimilate back into the subconscious of the mind, to be one (again). It takes persistance. And some pieces are going to be very stubborn. There will be set backs, along the way. It’s not a straight path, but it’s a tremendously rewarding thing a human being can do. A gift of self-love. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

As for the pain, loss, and heart ache, grieve it all. Accept it all, all that was done, not done, every part, no matter how ugly. Acceptance is a powerful form of thought. Each hidden truth, accepted in grief, grows the mind taller and stronger with confidence. Things that were tough to handle will seem smaller, easier to deal with. Sometimes, a piece may hold oneself back, preventing the acceptance of a truth. Take time with that piece, learn from it, work with it so it can be heard, and updated with the calmn assurance of this new beginning, into easing off into acceptance, assimilating back into the core being.

Forgive past mistakes. We are all born weak, dependent and highly vulnerable. That is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s human. Getting tricked as a kid, or a young adult, or even an old age, it’s not something to hold against oneself. Never was. Learn to protect the heart and fight for it, with the mind. It’s not about having the biggest muscles or being the most intimidating or passive-aggresive asshole. It’s about having control over mind, weilding it like a sharp sword, so when the time calls for it, it can fight. Freeing the mind to weild as a well-taken care of tool, builds a trustworthy sense of safety, deep within the bones.

After a while, one learns to recognize & trust themselves, and rely on their feelings, instincts and intuitions. Along the way, one will find their heart, if they had lost it, and pick it up, from the bottom of the dark abyss. Gently, compassionately hug it with all the strengthened love that’s been developed. It ran away. It’s time to convince it that it’s safe to stay. Do this over and over again, for every hurt felt. Heal so the past can stay in the past.

Figure out what works best, what values mean the most. Use trial and error, and do it away from the toxic noise of decrepit systems and subversive people. Give yourself all the space and time needed to meet, learn and heal oneself, piece by piece, until it feels right. There is no perfect way to do this. Simply try to listen to oneself, yield to the feelings and sensations of the mind, body, heart and soul. Follow and stay with the light within.

A lot of social media, TV, movies, games, bar hopping and other parts of popular culture weakens the mind and discourages belief in oneself. But, make an exception for what inspires, as some movies and music can uplift and energize. Avoid the pessimism, belittling and those without common values. Frankly, most people don’t have a clue nor the desire or will power to figure it out so don’t listen to anyone else! That will only prolong the time it takes to grow strong and heal. Identify weakening habits and replace them with self-strengthening & energizing ones, habit by habit, step by step. This took me the same number of years as it did to fall deeply into darkness. It’s a slow but compounding process.

Step 4: Self-Control

Through training the body and mind, one unlocks the ability to begin to control focus, thoughts and impulses. That brings us to step four, intentionally using self-control to reclaim power.

Where focus goes, energy flows

Start by focusing on believing in oneself, the untapped potential and personal power within, even when one feels powerless. Belief is a powerful form of thought, not to be underestimated! Read that again, belief is a powerful form of thought, not to be underestimated. Some types of thought have consequences to the inner mind’s structure, affecting personal power. Take take great prudence in what you believe in, and perhaps more importantly, who you believe in. It’s okay to be wrong, that’s how we improve, but without believing in oneself, one will continue to give up personal power to others by believing in them.

With self-belief, one protects personal power. Use it. Reject poisonous thoughts and accept uplifting ones. Practice saying to oneself, on every intrusive thought, “I reject.” It may not work at first, but eventually it disolves thoughts into nothing, freeing molecules and energy. After a while, it becomes a habit that can be simplified to “No” and eventually requiring no thought at all, but a mental reflex to maintain mental clarity. It clears the head space of noise. We are creatures of habit, and this habit is an important one.

Assemble the pieces of one’s mind, body and heart

After a while, maybe months or maybe even years (like in my case), the pain & stress becomes tolerable. Life becomes more normal but triggers remain, inner scars haven’t healed and growth has slowed down. At this point, it’s time to flip the game, the final step before graduation.

Start scoring points

Psychologists say that the “body keeps the score” and it’s absolutely true. But, the buzzer of the game doesn’t go off, the game is still being played by abusers, narcissists, and other hateful people. That’s scary, but a blessing in disguise. Because now, as scary as it may be when time comes, they become tools. Years later, after the trauma, after the abuse, go back to put points on the score board for one’s team. Score more points to transfigure the horrors of (c)PTSD into PTG, piece by piece, point by point. This is how the magic happens, emotional alchemy.

By this time, one has reconnected with themselves, their intuition, and thus understands how to play, but be sure to play on your terms. There is an abundant number of players to play against, as some are obsessed with feeilng powerful over others, like drug addicts. But, don’t play their game, don’t play their way. Play in your way that maximizes self-respect. It’s time to write a new chapter that one can be damn proud of. So play in ways that develops self-admiration.

Write your own history

So, when confidently ready, go back to that environment with abusive, hateful people and calmly stand up to them by standing up for yourself. It can start with a simple, short phone call or text message. As long as you stand up for yourself, and fight with your mind, in your light. But, don’t use hateful tactics, for that will confuse the body by scoring points for both teams! That takes one off path. It’s an easy trap to fall into so focus on scoring honest points, in ways that develop deep pride. It often is as simple as calmly weilding words that flow from the soul like a stream. Believe. Let it flow.

Ultimately, I can’t tell anyone how to do this part. All I can do is recommend keeping a cool head, and maintaining an intimate relationship with oneself, mind, body, heart and soul. If it becomes unclear, remove oneself from the environment. One must be able to listen & yeild to all the messages, the good and the bad. The angel and the demon, that sits on one’s shoulders. Those thoughts, feelings and intuitions are not inherently wrong, it’s part of being human. None of it is to be ashamed of. It is 100% natural. But weigh through it, choose the best choice at each step. Improvisation is a powerful tool for those who believes in themselves.

Look “Beyond Good and Evil” by Friedrich Nietzsche. Truth is full of bad and good. One cannot see the truth without seeing both, without judgement or adulteration.

Remember, it’s not about being nice to mean people or giving them abusers a second chance. It’s about being the true, strengthened, powerful self, in an environment with abusive triggering people, so one can create new memories that informs the body that the score has changed. That with one’s (re)claimed personal power, one is safe (again). Communicate in one’s own grown up way for which one cherishes and respects. Live by one’s values. The best emotional alchemy I’ve experienced, came after I stood behind words that were centered on my values against someone I once feared. It made those values feel tangible. Follow heart and soul.

Create new memories, informing the body that there is now safety in previous dangerous environments and around hateful people. That one can take care, because of the growth in strength and belief.

Every time a point is scored, a piece of cPTSD is transfigured into PTG. Don’t do it all at once. It’s not a race. But they no longer run the game, because you set the rules. Use the abusers, bullies, and narcissists, as much as needed. After a while, by putting enough points on the board, definitively winning the score, the debilitating pieces of cPTSD will have emotionally alchemized into PTG. With reclaiming power, learn the true wisdom of being a human being. It’s difficult to put to words, but inspires motivation for the rest of life. Be willing to fight for it.

Finally, move on, quit playing those games. Focus on living happily. For me, that came down to living with peace and love. In that order.

You can do it

This is all very hard to do, trust me, I know. It may take many years, but it is possible, and it is worth it. There is no due date and no time limit. There is no age too old, no pain too great. It’s natural. It’s in our DNA.

So, get out there, leave that environment. Take the first step.

Remember, do it in small manageable steps. These life-growing victories compound, but it’s very slow at the start. Learn to listen, let go and yield to the feelings and intuitions of the mind, body, heart and soul. Don’t block one’s light. Believe.

Fight the darkness. Fight it with every fiber of your being.

“Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” - Dylan Thomas

Reclaim your power.

The greater the pain, the greater the power, the greater the strength and energy required to weild it.

So don’t give up. Don’t surrender. Believe, believe, believe.

Sincerely,
Michael Lage